TO FLATUS OR NOT TO FLATUS, DO WE REALLY HAVE A CHOICE?

Alright people, I’m going to tackle a subject that is an everyday, actually a 14 times a day on average, occurrence that happens to all of us!!  Flatulence, gas, farts, poops, whatever you may call them!  As a matter of fact it would be fun if you would contribute your terminology in the comments section below.

Why is it that such a natural bodily function is so taboo?  Everybody does it and everybody knows that everybody does it.  Is it the sound?  Is it the smell?  What is it that makes it so embarrassing?

What causes it?  Several factors actually…starting with swallowed air…well now I think that one is a necessity. You swallow small amounts of air when you’re eating and drinking, and you take in greater amounts when you eat or drink rapidly, don’t chew your food completely, suck on hard candies, chew gum, smoke cigarettes, or wear loose dentures. Most swallowed air escapes from the stomach via the mouth when you burp, or belch. The rest of the air travels to the small intestine; some of it is absorbed there, while the remainder moves into the large intestine and then is released through the rectum”.   

Ok who just giggled at rectum?

Next, undigested carbohydrates, there are several carbohydrate-filled foods that will without a doubt cause “Air Biscuits” and they are:

  • “vegetables such as artichokes, asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, corn, onions, and potatoes
  • fruits such as apples, peaches, and pears
  • beans (especially baked beans)
  • carbonated beverages
  • wheat products such as pasta and whole grain breads and cereals.”

“Many people also develop gas after consuming milk products that contain the sugar lactose. This is because they make insufficient amounts of the enzyme lactase, which the body needs to digest lactose. As you age, your lactase level naturally declines. Fats and proteins rarely cause gas.”

So should we eat more fats and proteins if we are having an issue controlling “Tooties in our Booties”?

fart

Obviously most cases of “Barking Spiders” are normal, however, if you have 23 or more episodes a day you may want to make an appointment with your doctor.  Ok, I want to know how the study was done to determine that it took 23 episodes or more daily of “Fluffing” to determine that you may have a problem!

I was curious as to whether Menopause was a reason for increased “Whispers in your Panties” and it is, but not for lack of estrogen but rather because women change their diet to help keep their bones strong and this change of diet may be the culprit.  Women tend to drink more milk, the lactose may increase both gas & bloating, or they may change their diet to be low in saturated fats, and high in fiber and soy–which also contribute to increased “Bumphfs”.

All I know is the other day I was talking with a co-worker and BAM, I “Blew a Kiss”, no warning and it was not quiet.  Now what do you do?  Pretend that you both didn’t just hear me fart?  So I say “oh my, pardon me” and kept right on with my conversation as if nothing happened.  Thank goodness there was no smell, no seriously, there was no smell.  I would own up to it if there was.

Or how about, I was speaking with my neighbor and again WHAM out it comes, no hint, no clue, not the teeniest, tiniest inkling, I was in the dark that it was on it’s way! (Actually so was it) hee,hee  UGH!!!  Once again I was like “oh excuse me”, trying to keep a normal, straight look on my face as if no big deal, you don’t mind that I just had an “Anal Acoustic” happen while you were speaking, do you?

I’m telling you it’s running rampant in my body or out of my body I should say…the other day I was walking down the hall at work, again a co-worker walking behind me was serenaded by my melodious offering.  What’s up with this?  It is embarrassing and uncontrollable all at the same time!!

All you youngsters reading this…you just wait it’s going to happen to you too!  I say we band together now and start a campaign in support of “Booty Bombs”.  May they be accepted everywhere, not only accepted, encouraged…ok maybe not encouraged!

Obviously I’ve been saving the best for last…the SBD…Silent but Deadly.  The best thing about this one is that “they” don’t know it was YOU if it’s a group situation, all they know is that their nostrils are burning, their eyes are watering and they need to leave the area immediately.  You chuckle to yourself as you are rather enjoying the fragrant air you have just emitted and shared.  You clenched your cheeks and tried so very hard not to let it escape but alas it did…SBD!!!

Ok I guess I have vented on this subject long enough…pun intended.  So if in the future we should have a face to face conversation let me say now…OH MY, EXCUSE ME!  😉

xo

 

Footnote: The italicized sections are from Sergey V. Kantsevoy, M.D. , Assistant Professor of Medicine at Johns Hopkins, at http://www.healthafter50.com/reports/digestive_health/697-1.html

I would also like to thank all my friends for contributing their terms for flatulence to this article, thanks everyone – appreciate it!!